by Bensettle » Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:32 am
Hey Dan,
You know, it's really not that bad of a sales letter.
Your opening is superb (I am assuming the mistakes you referred to are common mistakes most rat owners make?)
You might want to test different headlines, though. I'm not in the market, so I don't want to get too specific. But you could say something in the headline about how easy it is for a pet rat to die.
Maybe something like, "Why Most Pet Rats Don't Live Long" or "Why Your Pet Rat Is As Good As Dead The Second You Bring Him Home". I don't know -- but those types of headlines would go good with your opening which (again) is really quite good IMHO. You want to jolt the reader -- so they have to keep reading.
Also, put that picture of the cute little rats either at the very top or to the side somewhere in the copy. You don't want a photo right under a headline like that (there are several reasons why -- but just know tests have shown this to be a big mistake in space ads, at least).
It looks like you could use some more copy -- some more detail. If you can put more bullets in there that'd be good. Read through your book several times and anything that you know will be of great interest and/or shocking to your market turn those into bullets.
You might also want to put somewhere in the copy itself that it has been endorsed by the "American Fancy Rat and Mouse Association". It's a mistake to assume everyone reads testimonials (some do, some don't). But that seems like a good proof element to me (or at least sounds like one -- if not, just ignore this) and you want to make sure people see it. Maybe say, right after you introduce the book, "this is so important it was recently endorsed by the American Fancy Rat and Mouse Association..."
Anyway, there's more you can probably do, but I suspect the above should help strengthen your ad.
Ben