can i get some feedback on sales page

[networkmom]

I recently had a new sales page made for me for my kids fitness ebook and I could use some feedback. http://www.copywritingservicesusa.com/proofs/kids/

Thank you
Denise

[TorontoCarol]

Hi Denise, I tried to check it out for you, but the link isn't valid.

[networkmom]

sorry the person who created it took it off her server, I uploaded it to mine let me know what you think
http://www.fitnessandkids.com/new-sales-page.htm

thank you
Denise

[mellymom3]

Hi Network Mom,

I have a few questions after reading your sales page.

1. You said this is your own written book? Is not a sales page supposed to be written as if you wrote it yourself? This sounds more like a review than a promotion to try to get people to buy
2. It does not incite me to want to buy. It is kind of boring. I realize that the subject is a serious matter but still it was not a read that made me want to continue to the end honestly.
3. The pictures were nice, but there was not enough to be bulleted or pointed out, nothing to emphasize certiain key points you want to stress to get the reader to buy. Copywriters usually stress different colored fonts for certain things, as well as bolded bigger fonts.
4. There is really no call to action. Although there are positive points, testimonials and all, there is no real pull to make me take out my credit card.

I am just learning copywriting myself so these are just my 2 cents. I just don't know if you got your money's worth is all. Once again, the more opinions you can get the better. I do not know what exactly you had in mind for your sales letter. I could be way off base.

[networkmom]

Thanks for the feedback. I am going to ask the girl who wrote this about the questions you have and see what she says. I am new to copywriting myself so it is kind of hard to really know what is right or wrong but thanks for your opinion.
I have actually had an old sales letter that was pulling in sales but I thougt a new and improved one would bring in more sales.

Thanks
Denise

[TorontoCarol]

Hi Denise,

I have to agree with mellymom that your sales page is written more like a book review. You could easily take those comments under the photos and turn them into headlines at the top of the copy.

You can also make the copy less reviewish by changing things like "Denise Nero's new book, "Fighting Childhood Obesity" reveals how to help your child get fit for life" to something like " with my new book, Fighting Childhood Obesity, you can help your child have a lifetime of fitness.

I really liked the benefits that were listed in the middle of the testimonials and think they should be up above your testimonials with a bit more emphasis on each one.

For example:
* Improve Your Child's Self Esteem
* Encourage More Participation In School Activities
* Give Your Child the Gift of Better Health
* Get Rid of the Stress in Your Child's Life
* Build a Happier Family

As for call to action, I also think it should be more compelling. Like:
Don't let your child become another statistic. For just $27, you can change the course of your son or daughter's life!

Order today and make an investment in your child's future!

You can see what I mean. Your book has a lot going for it, just needs stronger copy to get the benefits across.

[networkmom]

Hi Carol, I have made the changes you suggested, care to take a look?
Is there anything else you would change? I have contacted the person I hired from elance and she got pretty defensive, so not sure what will happen, probably nothing. If you could offer more suggestions I would really appeciate this.

Denise

[TorontoCarol]

Hi Denise,
Sorry I couldn't get to this until now. This copy for your book looks so much better!

Only one comment, near the end of the page "It's Time to Slay the Beast of Childhood" the word Obesity is missing.

After all, childhood isn't a beast, although sometimes I wonder

Did you re-do that copy yourself? It really looks professional.

[networkmom]

I actually rehired someone to do another sales page for me.
http://www.fitnessandkids.com/fitnessandkids-ebook.html I really hope this one is ok. I am running ad adwords campaign and hopefully I can get some sales. Let me know what you all think of this page.

Thank you
Denise

[mellymom3]

I have looked at the new sales page, and I must agree it is much much better. You should have no problems getting a good conversion rate with this one.

Sorry for your ill gotten experience for the last one but now you know who to turn to if you need another sales page created.


To your success!

[networkmom]

Thank you! I am so happy it is much better. Right now I am going back an forth with the girl on elance to refund some of money from the last so called sales page but so far no luck. Anyhow I sure hope this one works

Denise

[mellymom3]

I know it can be hard to get money back. Having worked for elance and other freelance sites myself, I can understand the woman's point of view. But I can also understand your point of view. Coming to a suitable compromise where she still gets some money for her efforts and you still get some compensation, is usually the best plan. Sounds like you are trying to work that out.
As for your new sales page, hopefully it will bring in tons of cash and you can revel in the aftermath and know that at least your business did not suffer in the long run.

Cheers!